Eli’s Epic.

In a post I made a little while ago, I briefly mentioned my real-estate phase deserving a post of its own. Well, here is that post. As the post's title mentions, my real-estate phase is something that not many know about, as it was a pretty dark time in my life that I tend not to share with many people. I'm not particularly proud of my real-estate phase, but I think it's time that I share my story selling houses to the world.  My entry into real estate began with an unfortunate turn of events. I was in Milwaukee, and I had just purchased a Grande iced chai tea latte at Starbucks, when to my surprise, I realized that my phone had fallen out of my pocket. I scoured the Starbucks floor, but to no avail. I asked the woman working behind the counter if she could call my phone, but she said that that was against store policy. Thus, I hit the streets of Milwaukee and began to search. I had walked to the Starbucks from my hotel, but I could not for the life of me remember which dir...

My very first year at Jewish summer camp, two of my counselors had written a song, which they called "The Belts Song." Here are the lyrics to that song, with some verses of my own added as well. "The Belts Song" Chorus: Belts (x12) Verse 1: I like to wear belts on my pants Put on a belt and you can do a crazy dance Chorus Verse 2: Belts in the morning, belts at night Belts in the afternoon what a delight Chorus Verse 3: I like to wear belts everyday Put on a belt and you'll say "hip hip hooray" Chorus Verse 4: Belts help my pants stay up on my waist Putting on a belt puts a smile on my face Chorus Verse 5: I like to wear belts to school I wear a belt and I feel very cool Chorus Verse 6: Belts in a building, belts in a tent Belts are good for any event Chorus Verse 7: I like to wear belts every season Put on a belt, you don't need a reason Chorus Verse 8: Belts make sure that my pants won't fall You can wear a belt if you're short or if you...

I’m not gonna lie, I almost forgot to post today, but while I get this buzzer-beater in real quick, I’m just gonna say that deadass, not even joking, on the realest of real notes, I really don’t have much to say. Hopefully there’s some bangers in the works for the coming days, so enjoy yourselves and you spare time, because sooner or later we all shall be wholly consumed by that which they call “Eli’s Epic.” On another real note, there may not be much great content coming up I really have no idea, which I think is the best part of being able to write whatever the fuck I want. In short, have no expectations, or have all the expectations in the world, I really don’t care. Also, the views are dwindling so it doesn’t really seem to matter what I post. I’m not at all upset over this, just thought I’d make a note of it. Whether or not you’re actually reading this, remember to stay awesome, be yourself, and never let a mushy grape distract you from the rest of the bunch. 

When I was a kid, I used to look outside my bathroom window and watch the planes flying in to land. Watching the planes always made me a bit sad, because I would think about how many people were on the plane, and how distant their lives were from mine, and how I could observe them but never experience anything like what they would experience. I felt lonely, separate from the big, wide world. After the plane would go out of view, I would often try to find a star. Though the Seattle sky was often cloudy and light-polluted, there were normally a couple starts that I could make out in the night sky. The star kind of put things in perspective for me. Even though I felt so distant from the people on the plane, we were all the same from the star's point of view. Nowadays there's times where I feel out of step with the everyone else, and I think that, even though it might not be literal anymore, finding a star tends to help make me feel better. I find lots of stars, but all of them tel...

I may have told some of you this joke already, but this is my second favorite joke of all time. Unfortunately, the first joke (the shiny red lips, shiny red fingers joke) cannot be told over this medium, but alas, the lemon slices joke will have to do. Fun fact: I heard both of these jokes for the first time at summer camp, and both of them were told by the same person (shoutout Jacob Glickman and URJ Camp Kalsman). Anyways, here's the joke (please enjoy, please): Many years ago, but not that many, a rabbi graduated from rabbinical school. Now, this rabbi had some pretty big aspirations. He didn't want to just go and join an established congregation like any other rabbi. No, he wanted to start his own. This task was difficult enough as it was, but the rabbi took it one step further: he wanted to start a congregation in a town that didn't already have one. Knowing the difficulty of his daunting task, the rabbi set out on a journey across the country to find the perfect place...

Toes atop the sky Unmoving and unbothered Floating up so high Singing songs of peace Caught up in a world distraught Dark precedes the dawn Gazing at the sea Full of life yet so so vast Should it feel empty? "Woof woof" goes the dog "Moo" goes the cow. "Glub" says fish "Oink" says the pig Salt upon my tongue The crunch, it brings such a thrill  Potato chips. Yum The void the void the void the void the void the void the void the void the Roses may be red But other things are red too Like Clifford the dog I didn't much like  James Cameron's Avatar Not for me I guess Not out of ideas But I promised Ms. Perry Here is "Firework"  "Firework" Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there...

There is nothing I hold more dear in my heart than the teachings of Adam Smith, for it is he who enabled our society to forge the greatest of all days, the holy Black Friday. It is on this day, the most sacred of all days, which I can partake in the most sanctified of all acts: buying things. Here is a list of all the things I bought today in the name of the venerable Adam Smith.  Every color of crayon -- there's a lot of these, so it totaled to around 1,874 crayons, all of which I plan on keeping in my specially designed, crayoned-shaped crayon carrying crate. 18.5 TVs -- I know, I know. I tried my best to get as many as I could, but Jeannine Dawson of Marshfield, WI happened to reach for the last flat screen in the Best Buy at the same time as I did. Ordinarily, I would not step down to any human in the process of buying anything, but Ms. Dawson was good. She didn't even mention the 18 TVs already in my cart, she just sat there with an iron grip on this TV for at least two an...

When I first made this blog, I very much wanted to use this newfound platform of mine to create an appreciation post for all those who would be viewing it, as well as any others whom I had found needing of appreciation. This thought occurred to me a little over a week ago, and I figured that the idea's proximity to a holiday centered around this exact premise meant that I should just wait for the day itself to give my thanks to you all. So without further ado, may I present the first Eli's Epic Thanksgiving Special Appreciation Extravaganza.  There's a lot I want to say here, so apologies if this is kind of roundabout or if I kind of just jolt from one idea to another (I'm not gonna try not to name names so this will be somewhat general, but it applies to everyone). The second and final apology would be for any cliché language, but I'm not sure how derivative this will be, and regardless all that I'm gonna write will come from the heart, so I would hope we can a...

For those of you whom I have not had the pleasure of talking to regularly over this Thanksgiving break, here are some things I’ve been up to for the last 5 days (explanations will provided for some, but not all): Insurance fraud — lots and lots, idk I just can’t help myself RV salesman — not sure how exactly, but I got pulled into the elaborate game of RV sales. I got fired because I wasn’t very good at it, but I learned a lot in my short time on the job. The RV market goes way deeper than the RVs themselves. It’s weirdly intertwined with sweet potato sales, as there’s this crazy correlation between owning an RV and having this deep obsession with sweet potatoes. If you can sell someone on the idea that the only thing they need to eat for the rest of their life is a delicious, mouth-watering, piece of God itself in the form of a sweet potato, then they’re almost guaranteed to be sold on buying an RV.  Storm chasing — I saw 2 tornadoes, but I dropped my camera so no footage :( Weari...

I’m not a huge fan of wasabi, but I have never seen anything quite like this wasabi at this restaurant I ate at tonight. Here is a picture of it after we had played with it our fair share: Now this may just look like any other greener-than-ordinary wasabi, but trust me, this shit was crazy. Firstly, it left the kitchen with a fluorescent glow, which did not fade until we eventually mustered the courage to touch the ominous glowing goo. We asked the wait staff where it came from, and they told us it came from the Watanabe Wasabi factory located at the base of Mt. Fuji. A quick Wikipedia search informed me that this factory uses bioluminescent bacteria found on the mountain to make their product glow. Anyways, apparently they faced some controversy in 2007 when someone ate too much of their wasabi and it literally ate through their stomach lining and dissolved their insides. Their family won an insane multimillion dollar lawsuit, but somehow the Japanese government placed no sort of rest...

The time has come to talk about my favorite place on earth. I've never been there, of course, but while searching for a town in the north of the north of the world, I happened to stumble upon the wonderland that is Alert, Canada. Upon zooming in (on Google Maps), the town seems as ordinary as a town comes this close to the North Pole. Obviously, the residents of this town need to eat, and who better to feed them than world-class restauranteurs. These top-tier chefs take the names of Terry, Berk, and Frank, each of whom own one of the three fine-dining establishments that make this town a culinary landmark. Frank, of Frank's Franks, is one of the busiest men on planet earth, as evidenced by his jam-packed  weekly schedule . However, despite his business dealings in both Utah and Milwaukee, he manages to make a living by forging some of the most delectable glizzys in North America. Make no mistake, despite the cuisine, this place is one of the most exclusive, high-end hot-dog joi...

I didn’t have much time to write today guys, so I’m very, very sorry, but todays post will be quite short. I guess all I’d have to say is to never be without your magical sack of celery, which wards off all the tiny people so you don’t have to worry about stepping on one of them. If you’re unaware of the tiny people, then you need to get some celery ASAP, or else you’re bound to step on one at some point. The tiny people are all around 6-8” tall, and are all armed with tiny, 1cm long knives. If you step on one, they will form a swarm around you and stab you repeatedly, leaving you with hundreds of tiny pokes in your lower legs. Celery is one of the few magical vegetables that can ward them off, so I strongly encourage that you keep a small sack tied around your left ankle. Stay safe, stay alert, and stay prepared my friends. Much love to you all.  

 I got to the airport too early today, so I decided to treat myself to a drink while I waited to board my flight. All I wanted was a corona, and after searching around in desperation, I finally found one at a bar located just past the BNA security checkpoint. I sat there, sipping away, for the better part of 30 minutes or so, and as I sat, I found myself at a fascinating juncture. In front of me, a massive array of windows made visible the beautiful fall sunset, a complex fabrication of blue, orange, and red that made the perfect backdrop to the bustling of the airport. Behind me, numerous (apologies for the vagueness, but I’m terrible at gauging numbers, maybe there were hundreds of people, maybe dozens, maybe thousands, I couldn’t say) people were partaking in voyages to destinations unknown, living lives that I reckon I could never dream up with the farthest stretch of my imagination. And in between it all sat I, a living, breathing person, blessed with the abilities of observat...

Today, I will be ranking things that you can sit on/in using an equivalent scale of juices (from tomato to mango). I know I've said this, but today I'm actually keeping the post short and sweet, so no explanations will be given (apologies if you disagree).  Tomato Juice: Stools Pear Juice: Benches Grapefruit Juice: Lawn/beach chairs Pineapple Juice: Regular-style chairs Pomegranate Juice: Beanbag chairs Orange Juice (with pulp): Cushy rolly chairs Apple Juice: Couches Cranberry Juice: Rocking chairs Mango Juice:  Bungee chairs

While most of you guys know me as a friend, I'm afraid that I've been keeping my biggest secret from you all for (likely) the entire time we've known each other: I have an alter-ego, and he's a receptionist at a low-grade marbles company. You may ask, what even constitutes a "low-grade" marble? Trust me, our product is not top-shelf. The only reason we've been able to stay in business so long that that our CEO and founder, Melissa Sánchez, was involved in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -type inheritance of a toy factory. I am being genuine when I say that there was an uncanny resemblance between her story and Roald Dahl's. Like legitimately unbelievable, to say the least. I didn't believe it of course, until she offered to show give me a tour. Yes, there is an army of dwarfed workers who sing and dance and attempt to harm little children. Yes, there (used to be) all sorts of zany products that could literally kill you if you used them wrong or...

Hopefully I can keep this post short and sweet, as I would hope the premise is fairly simple: why the fuck do we measure time the way we do? As much as I hate to admit it, time is real, and it is an unavoidable facet of our universe. That doesn't mean that we have to measure it in the stupidest fucking way possible. You know how much shit Americans get for not using the metric system (which is, objectively, far easier to use because of BASE-10 CONVERSIONS)? Well, where is the same energy when the discussion shifts to time? Do you know how ridiculous it is for there to be 365 days in a year? Who chose that? "Scientists?" 24 hours in a day? Hello? Are we for real? 60 minutes to the hour and 60 seconds to the minute? What does that mean? Why 60? That sucks. There should be 500 days in a year, which is just one half of a kiloday (2 years). Each kilo day is comprised of 10 hectodays (month), 100 dekadays (week), 1,000 days (days), 10,000 decidays (hours), 100,000 centidays (mi...

 **for the record, this list is constantly changing, and will likely be posted about again sometime in the future as what I'm listening to changes. Also, I don't wanna spend forever writing this so I can only promise in-depth explanations for the top 3. Also also, I am not a music critic, but I'm trying my best, so all of this might sound dumb as shit but bear with me Nevertheless, here is the current list: Honorable mentions: Pink Floyd - "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts. 6-9)," Jay-Z & Kanye West - "Gotta Have It," Gorillaz - "Empire Ants"  10. Jbrisko - "Slo Mo" Very catchy song, shoutout to Max Lagunoff for playing this one like 30 times in the 3-week span I was back home last summer. 9. Sam Cooke - "A Change Is Gonna Come"  A beautiful song, really hits the soul in the right spot at the best and worst of times.  8. Led Zeppelin - "When the Levee Breaks" Such a tough song, the opening line just hits so damn...

This morning I happened to read something that quite disturbed me. I don't really want to get into the details of it, but it reminded me of the cruelty of the human spirit and the unavoidability of pain in our world. Yet, through these gloomy and frustrating emotions, only one thought came into my mind: tortoises. Why did I think about tortoises? I have yet to figure that out, but here is a list of possible reasons: Tortoises, along with turtles, have always been fascinating creatures to me. Perhaps, in my frustration, my mind attempted to settle itself by picturing an animal that it sees as calming and captivating. Surely, were a tortoise to be placed in front of me, I could observe it for quite a long time without being bored, and so, being that they are able to so thoroughly capture my attention in a positive way, my mind implanted in itself an image of a tortoise such that I may be distracted from the upsetting imagery which I had read of.  After reading said upsetting thing, I...

I feel like Moby Dick  would've been so awesome if it had been set in the present day and the whale was just such a badass that it could take like gunshots and shit and like all the world's militaries were like coming together to try and beat this one whale and they like nuke it but it just mutates and gets stronger like Godzilla or something. Obviously the original presents a far more ominous enemy, as (similar to Jaws ) there is key element of plausible reality to the story. Before I go on, I must admit I haven't ever read Moby Dick , but I think I know enough about the premise to continue with this analysis. Anyways, the original book is able to connect with the reader on a deeper level because of the thought that an animal like this may actually exist somewhere in the unexplored reaches of the ocean. That sense of plausible reality allows the reader to feel a slight bit of fear when reading, as they feel like, even though they know it definitely won't, the story may...

I’ve never had a blog before, so this is really exciting! I’m thinking about using this as a forum to put my stream of consciousness, in other words a place to contain all of the wonderful (or not) thoughts that come into my head. For instance, this morning I realized how cool jars are. Who is Mason, and why does he have a monopoly on jars? How are they made? What is glass? Why are jars reserved for storing certain things and not other things? Anyways, this is is the type of thought process I plan on including in Eli’s Epic. I hope y’all enjoy! PSA: this is in no form a political message about jars (or Israel).