Eli’s Epic.

So basically, for those who are unaware, Vandy has this Yik-Yak (anonymous, school-based social media) equivalent called Fizz. I sometimes like to post on this app whenever I have funny ideas that need to be expressed through a low-stakes medium. A feature of this app is that you can create a nickname for yourself when posting. Typically, I opt for the default nickname, “Anonymous,” but recently, I’ve decided to use this feature to my advantage. I’m going to create a series of characters with established personalities that are to be communicated through silly Fizz posts. Eventually, once these characters have built rapport (in my opinion, I fully expect no one to follow any of this), I will start to have them reference each other in their posts, eventually forming my Fizz equivalent of the Avengers, belonging to my aptly named Fizz Cinematic Universe (FCU). The current characters I’ve used so far include: Josh da Monster: just a chill bro tryna find love ya know Freaky Steve: simply a ...

Had the idea to do another one of these last night, and it turns out I made the last one exactly one year ago today. The list had definitely seen some major changes in the last year, but I won’t give anything away. Here’s the list: Honorable mentions: America - “Sister Golden Hair,” Gorillaz - “Rhinestone Eyes,” Blaze Foley - “No Goodwill Stores in Waikiki”  10. Simon & Garfunkel - “The Boxer” Not sure what really got me into this song, but I just cannot get over that tuba (or whatever it is). I don’t think I have too much more to say just a beautiful song.  9. Steely Dan - “Do It Again” This song reenters the list for the same reason it was on it in the first place: the groove. Also, I think the mythos of this song has just continued to grow on me over time; the more people I’ve listened to it with, the stronger its aura gets.  8. Joey Bada$$ - “Waves” This song stays in my top 10 because I just can’t get over how smooth it is. Surely I said something along the same ...

I've discovered an unfortunate truth: cells (the kind in your body) aren't real. Or, at the very least, they way they are described to the average person is entirely WRONG. Think about it. What do you know about cells? I'm guessing you think that cells are small little things that perform all their functions willingly without ever asking questions. You know who loves things that perform all their functions willingly without ever asking questions? COMMUNISTS. Big bio and the socialist deep state are trying to use cells as a metaphor to get YOU on board with their communist agenda. Don't listen to their lies. Open your eyes and see the truth. 

I don't remember much about my childhood. Starting in my teenaged years, I was perpetually instructed to "live in the moment." I heeded this advice quite strongly, enough at least that a major portion of my past has simply vanished into the disarray that is my present. I'd love to be able to revisit my youth, to picture my parents happy with their son, to recall my first friends, to revel in the innocence that has so harshly been drained from my world. Alas, I am eluded by any experience of mine before my 14th birthday. While much else about my life at that time is muddied along with the rest of it, I remember that day quite vividly. Karaoke. Not real karaoke, even, more like a singalong of all my favorite songs. My dear mother tried her best, but money was never good, and I hadn't done much to be proud of so she certainly wasn't going to break the bank. It was incredible, though. My friends from school were all there, watching, as I belted Tom Petty lyrics in...

I can't fucking do this anymore. It's simply too much. I just can't fucking do it. Everyday, I go out and I act as if everything I do is normal. The fuck? Nothing I do is remotely normal. I should be going out to beg people for help, to ask for their forgiveness, to reckon with person I've become. Every single fucking day my sincere belief that I am the antichrist grows. There's no other explanation. The devil doesn't make himself known. He hides. He gets people on his side, slowly corrupting them until they've sunk all the way down to his fiery domain. I can hardly look at myself. How am I any different? Every action I take, I slowly take society down with me. The intangible fabric that has sustained our globalized planet is being frayed, and I am driving its destruction. I am what's wrong with the world. Not the idiots, not the bigots, not the goddamn politicians. None of them could exist without me. I am evil personified—the snake in our waning garden...

I have something to admit to you all. Before I say it, be warned that it is a confession to one of the most heinous acts I have ever taken part in. While I know that it is likely unavoidable, I ask that you all make your best efforts to refrain from judgment, or at the very least acknowledge my commitment to find repentance. Alas, the time has come. In 2014, I believed that “Happy” deserved to win the Oscar for best original song. I was wrong. Yes, Pharrell is an icon, and Despicable Me 2  is one of my favorite movies ever, but “Let It Go” is simply the better song. Honestly, I don’t even have too much more to say. Society has made my point for me.