Office drama

While most of you guys know me as a friend, I'm afraid that I've been keeping my biggest secret from you all for (likely) the entire time we've known each other: I have an alter-ego, and he's a receptionist at a low-grade marbles company. You may ask, what even constitutes a "low-grade" marble? Trust me, our product is not top-shelf. The only reason we've been able to stay in business so long that that our CEO and founder, Melissa Sánchez, was involved in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-type inheritance of a toy factory. I am being genuine when I say that there was an uncanny resemblance between her story and Roald Dahl's. Like legitimately unbelievable, to say the least. I didn't believe it of course, until she offered to show give me a tour. Yes, there is an army of dwarfed workers who sing and dance and attempt to harm little children. Yes, there (used to be) all sorts of zany products that could literally kill you if you used them wrong or even in a way that wasn't precisely as they were intentioned. Now, I hold Ms. Sánchez in the highest regard, but it would inappropriate of me not to mention that she has a bit of an obsession with marbles. From the moment she came into possession of the factory, that's all she wanted to make. The workers protested, "But we can do so much more!" but it was to no avail. She had her mind set on the one true apple of her eye: the tiny glass ball. Of course, this disgruntled the workers (hence the poor quality product) but, seeing as they are (somehow, don't ask me, it's almost certainly a human rights violation but I find that it's easier to not ask questions) contractually obligated to obey the owner of the factory, they obliged, and have been making shitty marbles ever since. I was taken on fairly early in the operation, when there were just three employees: Ms. Sánchez, the boss, Wolfgang Krap, the salesman, and Lenny, God knows what the fuck he does here, but it must be quintessential, because not once has he uttered a word of concern over being let go (despite multiple instances of widespread layoffs). Since then, despite the aforementioned layoff periods, we have grown considerably, somehow managing to stay afloat in an ever-competitive industry (I know it sounds ridiculous, but you have no idea). Like I said, it helps that we own our own manufacturer with somehow unlimited resources and zero labor costs (again, don't ask questions). But part of the business comes from the allure of the factory itself. I don't know if the previous owner was actually Willy Wonka, but he/she/they sure built a rapport with the toy industry. Despite our no-good goods, stores around the country are willing to pay market prices, which, while still fairly shocking, does play into the narrative of Ms. Sánchez being the luckiest woman alive. Regardless, all this is to say: I work at a marbles company, and recently there's been some juicy gossip that I've desperately tried to keep hidden but I just can't anymore. 

It starts around three weeks ago, when Jennifer (top salesperson) comes in sobbing. Now, Jennifer does have a tendency to get teary-eyed at even the littlest things, but this time was clearly different. She comes in, and I offer her a hug and asks if she needs anything. I know she just loves an autumn cup of hot cocoa, so before she can muster up a response I'm on my way to the breakroom to go make her one. As I'm circling around my desk, though, Jennifer, who's been mumbling incoherently, manages to get out three clear words: "Lenny's gone orange." Now, I assume that this means something along the lines of "Lenny has dyed himself orange." Lenny has always been a huge fan of the "Thanos man" prank video (link attached for reference), and so I assume he did the same thing to himself, but with orange. After retrieving Jennifer's cocoa, however, she's calmed down enough to explain, and the truth was beyond anything I could have imagined. The whole office kind of turns into a big story hour as Jennifer begins talking, with everyone sitting around her as she began this, if I may say it, epic tale. Lenny's story goes as such: his daughter had been getting bullied by this punk rich kid, whose parents were supposedly untouchable because they were part of this alleged "citrus mafia." Lemons, limes, oranges, grapefruits, etc. they all ran through this one family. Lenny was understandably upset that his daughter was getting bullied, but as Jennifer put it, "There's some lines you just don't cross." Lenny had his daughter point out the kid to him, and, not being one to beat up a child, called his friend Shadow Knox (dumb name, I know) to meet him at the school, where he points out the kid and instructs Shadow to trail him on his way home. I know he couldn't have seen the future, and he wanted to make sure his daughter was home safe before any shit went down, but had things not worked out perfectly, enlisting Shadow's help could've cost him his life. Anyways, Shadow went to the kid's house, marked down the address, and met up with Lenny at an undisclosed location. See, what Lenny didn't know yet was that Shadow had been working for this kid's dad (the King of the C, they call him) for quite some time now as just some general muscle. Now, Shadow still had some allegiance to Lenny, and that's what saved his life, but he was too high up on the King of the C's payroll to let anybody get away with anything, even a friend. So that night, Lenny payed the King of the C a visit. Of course, the King of the C had known Lenny was coming after Shadow tipped him off, so before he can even get to the front step, two goons are on him just absolutely mauling him. I know I said that things worked out perfectly for Lenny, and what I meant by that is that the King of the C had been in a particularly good mood today, and Shadow had been able to talk him into making some sort of a deal with Lenny, where normally he would have been stabbed a bunch, soaked in lemon juice, and left to bleed out. After getting the shit beat out of him, Lenny was brought inside, where the King of the C made him apologize to his son for taking an issue with him. Apparently, Lenny almost refused, but then he saw Shadow, who somehow conveyed that he was sorry but that if he didn't apologize he was all but dead. So Lenny apologized, after which the King of the C gave him the offer that he and Shadow had discussed earlier: Lenny would be offered a low-level position in the family business, where his job would be to use his talents (again, I'm not sure what those are, indispensability, perhaps) to expand the King of the C's territory. If he was successful, he would be rewarded with either a buyout or a promotion, and if he wasn't successful, he'd be sent to St. Peter. Now, the King of the C must have been in an exceptionally good mood on that day, because Shadow had convinced him to let him go with Lenny as part of the expansion operation. Apparently, they were sent off right away, with directions out of the city and into the new territory. Luckily for Lenny, these directions led him right past Jennifer's house, so he scribbled the whole story down (as best he could) on the inside of an orange peel and left it on her doorstep before he left town. Anyways, two days ago we get a letter from Lenny, telling us that he's alive, and that he and Shadow's mission is going well so far. He misses his daughter, clearly, but if all goes well they'll have the territory secured within the next couple weeks, and he can come back home. Then, yesterday, the King of the C comes into our office because he thinks one of us ratted him out to the cops. Somehow, Ms. Sánchez is able to talk him down and gets him to leave before he hurts anyone, but we've all been scared shitless since then, and everyone's still on edge today even though there's been no sign of him. I don't know, I guess we all just want Lenny back and to not have to worry about the King of the C breathing down our necks. Also, rumor has it that Michaela and Austin, the two accountants who've been married for like six years, haven't slept in the same room in a week, so that's tea. But yeah, just wanted to catch y'all up on all the office drama, thanks for tuning in!