Eli’s Epic.

Christmas is quite a holiday, and to honor it, I've compiled a list of some of the craziest things that have ever happened on Christmas day throughout history. 1828: I'm guessing that many of you have seen the popular film Home Alone , but I'm also guessing that you haven't heard about the story that inspired it. The hero of the real Home Alone story was not kid, but rather U.S. President John Quincy Adams. Having fought quite hard in a losing effort for the 1828 election, Adams was totally checked out by the time Christmas rolled around. The press had reported on this alleged "lack of caring" from the President, and word spread to the notorious Gilbert and Gilbert crime duo, terrorizers of the D.C. streets for years until they met their demise on this fateful Christmas. The infamous duo attempted to catch the president off guard and launch a surprise robbery of the White House. Of course, this was before the creation of the Secret Service, so protection of th...

"Nobody cares about triangles, they're not even round." Never have truer words been spoken. That quote, sourced from  this video , which I highly recommend you all watch, is one of my favorite lines from any piece of media ever. Not only does it precede the fabled Trigonometry Baby's death (again, watch the video, trust me), but it also brings up a fascinating point (or argument against)*. What makes shapes good? Obviously, the initial claim is expertly expressed, and is an opinion widely shared amongst many whom I have interacted with in my lifetime. Triangles' lack of roundness makes them one of the worst shapes. However, despite also not being round, squares are fucking awesome. It goes without saying that squares are certainly more round than triangles, and they both have the same number of degrees as circles do, but that does not totally explain how squares have such a domination in the shape-sphere. In a world where roundness is viewed as perfection, it make...

Today, I am going to dive into the depths of my camera roll and to find a peculiar photo that may be of interest to those reading this. If I find this fun, I may do it again sometime. Today, I will be looking into a very interesting photo and providing some analysis into why it is significant in today’s society.  The Slumber This photo is so bittersweet to me. The feeling it evokes is quite conflicting. It’s like eating a pizza crust first. It’s definitely not explicitly wrong, but it certainly isn’t wrong. It might make you slightly uncomfortable, but you must realize that the harmlessness of the act makes it to pass judgement. Like, what is she really doing wrong? Sure, sleeping on the floor may not be the most sanitary thing, but it’s not hurting anyone. No one is displaced. No one is attacked. Not a soul is hindered in any way. She shares no blame in the hardships of the airport, and thus one cannot look upon her as they would one who does wrong. She is not doing right, but lik...

With grades for the past semester being released today, it's time for the first ever Grand GPA Review. Here's how this works (to be honest this is kind of a silly idea and I'm not really sure how to go about it (potential part 2 coming) but this is what I've got for now): I am not ashamed of my GPA, but for the sake of the blog post, I am not going to reveal what I got. Rather, I am going to describe how I did in each of my classes in a way that I see fit, and you all will have the opportunity to try and figure out how I did overall. This will be a great chance for you guys to utilize the blog's comment section, which has yet to ever be touched by anyone. The person who makes the closest guess will be the winner, and will be endowed with my actual GPA score (maximum 2 guesses per person, minimum 2 participants). Also, I really hope none of this is pretentious, I just think it's funny to make y'all guess. I'm really not trying to make a big deal out of gr...

Friends, I am pleased to announce that Eli's Epic is officially back in action. It's been an interesting week and a half hiatus, but I believe that it has supplied me with many great lessons that I will take with me in the coming weeks and utilize in order to ensure an optimal blog-reading experience. During my hiatus, I learned a few things about myself, especially regarding my relationship to this blog. In my time away from Eli's Epic, I discovered just how truly quintessential it is for my being. I also learned a really mean pesto recipe but I'm gonna save that for a special occasion. It's late and my computer's almost dead and so this post may soon be meeting a premature end, but I promise (for real this time) that the golden age of Eli's Epic is not behind us. The future shall see works the likes of which none have ever seen, nor even imagined. Dare I say some of this shit is gonna blow your fucking mind. Expect new mediums, new stories, new exploration...

You know those psychology people who teach you hacks about how to gain access into other people's minds? I am one of those people, and here are my hacks on how to get access to anyone's thoughts, make anyone think anything, and how to make anyone do anything you want. Ways to make people think you're super-duper cool: dress nice be funny paint your house the good shade of orange shoot a president make yourself invisible jouch How to talk someone into buying a nice sweater show them a picture of someone else wearing the sweater eat a bagel earn a seven-figure salary go to Subway How to make someone much bigger than you think they're smaller than you tie a bowtie make a killer sandwich (actually kills people (with swords)) that one episode of SpongeBob with the secret box eat a bagel eat a bagel Getting someone to tell you who their crush is SALSA traveling to a place with some  film school the big bad wolf supercalifragilisticexpialidocious tongs a'clanging Eat a bag...

Yesterday, I made the gravest of errors. Yesterday, on the first of December in the year of our lord 2023, I missed the first ever Eli’s Epic post since its conception. For this transgression, I am punishing myself to the highest degree, eating the meat of one of Santa’s reindeer (illegally poached, of course). I promise to be better. I promise to never let you down again.