Eli’s Epic.

Today I went back to the classics. I went to the Biskit Cafe for an early-afternoon bagel, and ordered the Best Ugly Salmon Bagel. This bagel features " Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese, Red Onion, Black Olives, Feta Cheese, Dill or Basil leaves, Capers & Best Ugly Sesame Bagel." While I'm not typically too keen to this many toppings, I pushed myself to eat this bagel without any exclusion. While I can't say that I was terribly surprised (I love bagels, and there wasn't anything to dislike), I found this bagel inarguably scrumptious. The salmon certainly dominated the dish, which is exactly what I look for in a salmon-topped bagel. In fact, what I think this bagel did best was its ratios. The cream cheese came in a perfect quantity. Personally, I am a huge supporter of light cream cheese spreads. It was great to not be taking mouthfuls of cream cheese with each bite, but rather to consume equally sized portions of bagel/cream cheese and salmon.  While I'm not a...

Buried deep in the Amazon, there lies a treasure, the scope of which no one person could ever comprehend. It possesses power unbeknownst to many, if not all. Though some may say that a treasure such as this presents only problems unto the world, I disagree. I believe this treasure could truly be the solution to all the world's problems. I yearn for this treasure. I seek out means of attaining it everywhere I go. I'm not sure if I, nor anyone else, will every find the treasure, but I can certainly pray for a day when it is discovered. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking, of course, about the  1500 Live Ladybugs  available on Amazon. I truly don't think a greater joy could be released into the world than to watch someone opening a bag of 1500 live ladybugs. Surely, if there's a utopia, this product is at the center of it. Ladybugs are one of the prettiest insects, they're red or orange or yellow and have black spots. How much cooler could you want a...

Not really enough negativity in my life right now, so here's a list of bad things that could happen to me: robbed fall down stairs scorned harshly condemned to life of pain  pranked on live television sworn into office (my fly is down, everyone laughs) get stuck on barbed wire get caught lying (pants set on fire) bad dreams (nightmares, even) moldy bread stirred, not shaken (Bond would not approve) called out for acting goofy past catches up to me a 2012 -type scenario end of the Mayan calendar (another 2012-type scenario) inflation causes a picture to be worth 10000 words (is it even worth speaking anymore) soreness wrath of the gods things that seemed farfetched are suddenly not so (in a bad way) haunted no anger, just disappointment concepts materialize stimulus check doesn't cash spotify crash oxford comma is now illegal banished sent to the trolley problem (have to make decisions) bored ominous music follows me around unbreakable time-loop sent to the trolley problem (on t...

On a damp April morning in the year 1348, a small French boy by the name of Jean (no recorded last name) woke up feeling very pissed off. The plague was currently putting all of Europe in shambles, and Jean's meager village was no exception. Jean missed his parents, who had both tragically succumbed to the disease, as had his closest friend, Pierre. Jean's stomach rumbled. Food was scarce, and though he was typically able to find a generous soul to donate him some bread for each meal, it was often stale or moldy, and Jean had had enough. Jean had heard tales of the king feasting on the finest meats in the land, and Jean wanted in. Though he was young, he had experienced enough in his short life to know that living in a manner such has his was undignified, and, in his eyes, not worth it. His mind was made up: he would journey to see the king, and he would demand a seat at the royal table, where he could partake in the royal feasting. To Jean, any sort of rejection the king could...

Not sure why, but I made my mind up earlier tonight that I would write a blog post about the French Revolution. In search of inspiration, I found a site  that had a list of the 19 best fun facts about the French Revolution. Here are my favorite of those facts with one word changed in each (before you click the link, can you guess which word was changed, and what the original word was?):  "We were introduced to the Quan, which beheaded over 18,000 people!" "The Bastille was torn down by children because they didn't have explosives!" "Mary Antoinette had some very creamy last words..." "They used a different clock to make telling time easier" "Friendship was a delicacy" "One of the Revolution's first acts of defiance happened on a squash court" "There were a lot of unfunny publications" "They had drastic weather that impacted the umbrella supply" Whose side were you on in the French Revolution? Let me...