Eli’s Epic.

I don't remember much about my childhood. Starting in my teenaged years, I was perpetually instructed to "live in the moment." I heeded this advice quite strongly, enough at least that a major portion of my past has simply vanished into the disarray that is my present. I'd love to be able to revisit my youth, to picture my parents happy with their son, to recall my first friends, to revel in the innocence that has so harshly been drained from my world. Alas, I am eluded by any experience of mine before my 14th birthday. While much else about my life at that time is muddied along with the rest of it, I remember that day quite vividly. Karaoke. Not real karaoke, even, more like a singalong of all my favorite songs. My dear mother tried her best, but money was never good, and I hadn't done much to be proud of so she certainly wasn't going to break the bank. It was incredible, though. My friends from school were all there, watching, as I belted Tom Petty lyrics in...

I can't fucking do this anymore. It's simply too much. I just can't fucking do it. Everyday, I go out and I act as if everything I do is normal. The fuck? Nothing I do is remotely normal. I should be going out to beg people for help, to ask for their forgiveness, to reckon with person I've become. Every single fucking day my sincere belief that I am the antichrist grows. There's no other explanation. The devil doesn't make himself known. He hides. He gets people on his side, slowly corrupting them until they've sunk all the way down to his fiery domain. I can hardly look at myself. How am I any different? Every action I take, I slowly take society down with me. The intangible fabric that has sustained our globalized planet is being frayed, and I am driving its destruction. I am what's wrong with the world. Not the idiots, not the bigots, not the goddamn politicians. None of them could exist without me. I am evil personified—the snake in our waning garden...