I LOVE CAPITALISM!!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing I hold more dear in my heart than the teachings of Adam Smith, for it is he who enabled our society to forge the greatest of all days, the holy Black Friday. It is on this day, the most sacred of all days, which I can partake in the most sanctified of all acts: buying things. Here is a list of all the things I bought today in the name of the venerable Adam Smith. 

• Every color of crayon -- there's a lot of these, so it totaled to around 1,874 crayons, all of which I plan on keeping in my specially designed, crayoned-shaped crayon carrying crate.
• 18.5 TVs -- I know, I know. I tried my best to get as many as I could, but Jeannine Dawson of Marshfield, WI happened to reach for the last flat screen in the Best Buy at the same time as I did. Ordinarily, I would not step down to any human in the process of buying anything, but Ms. Dawson was good. She didn't even mention the 18 TVs already in my cart, she just sat there with an iron grip on this TV for at least two and a half hours. After an hour or so of tugging back and forth, we held eye-contact for a good 30 minutes. In this time she recited to me things about myself that she could not have possibly ever known. After our eye contact was broken, I was in tears, but I would not yield the TV. She began muttering something under her breath, and before too long, three squirrels showed up and started nipping at my ankles. However, I would not cede the TV, and though my foot was nearly gnawed off after a whole hour, I held strong to the cardboard box carrying the treasure that stood between me and Ms. Dawson. At this point, Ms. Dawson saw that her match had been met, and beckoned her squirrels to returned to her. We agreed to a contract under which we would share the TV, with it being in my possession for quarters I and III and in hers for quarters II and IV. We did appear to leave things on good terms, and parted ways with smiles on her faces, though I did think I heard her say something to her squirrels along the lines of "his flesh will be ours, dearies." 
• A submarine -- I honestly was pretty on the fence about this purchase, but what put me over the edge was the collectable model-submarine toy that came with it. It's the perfect toy for me to play with in the bathtub, which will lead to countless hours of fun, I'm sure. 
• A shirt with 2 pictures of a park bench (same bench, 2 angles) -- drip or drown
• A diamond-encrusted menorah -- had to prepare for the festival of lights, of course I need the most bedazzled Hanukkah swag. The Finklesteins aren't winning the holidays this year. 
• 2 porch lights -- this one's actually got a good story, I'd say. The other day, I was folding my laundry when I heard a crashing noise coming from my front yard. I went outside to find the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote in another heated debate over the state of Chilean politics. Their debate had likely started at the town pub, Ernie's, and Ernie had probably gotten annoyed of their bickering and kicked them out. As is often the case, they had found themselves on my porch. However, this night's debate had grown more vehement than ever, and Road Runner had called his friends at Acme to deliver an anvil straight to Mr. Coyote's skull. The delivery missed however, and the anvil landed on the sidewalk, where it chipped off a piece of concrete that went flying straight into my porch light, which shattered. Hence, I used to today's deals to buy a replacement, as well as a backup in the unfortunate case that another such incident is to occur.