For those who are unaware... (CRAZY HOUSE STORY)

In a post I made a little while ago, I briefly mentioned my real-estate phase deserving a post of its own. Well, here is that post. As the post's title mentions, my real-estate phase is something that not many know about, as it was a pretty dark time in my life that I tend not to share with many people. I'm not particularly proud of my real-estate phase, but I think it's time that I share my story selling houses to the world. 

My entry into real estate began with an unfortunate turn of events. I was in Milwaukee, and I had just purchased a Grande iced chai tea latte at Starbucks, when to my surprise, I realized that my phone had fallen out of my pocket. I scoured the Starbucks floor, but to no avail. I asked the woman working behind the counter if she could call my phone, but she said that that was against store policy. Thus, I hit the streets of Milwaukee and began to search. I had walked to the Starbucks from my hotel, but I could not for the life of me remember which direction to walk back in. A kind stranger in a purple suit carrying a briefcase noticed my distraught state and asked if I could use directions, to which I thanked them profusely and asked which direction my hotel was in. As soon as the words left my mouth, a demonic smiled crept its way across the stranger's face. "I can tell you," they said, "but first you must do me a quick favor." I knew this was quite odd, but I was in desperate need of finding my way home.

    "What do you need?" I asked.

    "Sell me this house," the stranger responded, and opened their briefcase to reveal a picture of a modest, ranch-style family home. "This house has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, and is down the street from an elementary school. My spouse and I have 2 children, and we are looking to move to Milwaukee from Myrtle Beach. Sell it to me, then I'll give you your directions."

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not really too interested in doing much more carefully crafted storytelling at the moment, but I'll do my best to paraphrase what happened next. In my desperation, I gave the stranger a pitch for the house off the dome, to which they responded "Perfect, you will do just fine indeed." They pointed me back to my hotel, but not long after I returned, three men in the same purple suits knocked on my door and told me they'd be forced to kill me if I didn't come with them. I was then taken to the Milwaukee underground real-estate lair (every city has one), where I was stripped down, fitted, and given a matching purple suit. I was then blindfolded and taken to a desk, where I was told that I was now committed to the game until I either earned a spot in the inner circle or I was killed for failing to accommodate the needs of the council. I was shown hours upon hours of HGTV, after which I was sent into my first training meeting. I was met by the two people who came to be my closest friends in the industry, Bill and Melinda (different ones). These two took me under their wing and devoted days and days to ensure I would gain success once I was instructed to go out and sell. Not only did the coach me into a great real-estate agent, but they also gave me a true passion for the craft. Under their guidance, I learned to love the art of selling houses, and my unparalleled determination to sell was noticed by the council, who eventually gave me my first assignment. It was, in fact, the same house I had been instructed to sell by the stranger. I sold it easily, and was welcomed back to the lair with a celebration. Now was no time to party, however, for I was just getting started. 

Again, I'm finding myself going too in-depth for my liking right now, so here's an even more accelerated version of this story. I got obsessed with selling houses, and I got so good at it that I made it to the inner circle, and was even offered a spot on the council, but then I accidentally ate too much dried fruit the day of my induction and shit my pants before I could officially be sworn in. Anyways, the council didn't like that too much and tried to have me killed but they were making all my buddies in the inner circle kill me and they didn't really want to so they let me escape but I've been on the run ever since and am officially banned from buying property. 

Glad I could get this off my chest, sorry it wasn't super long form, I just don't think I have the emotional capacity to go too in depth on this whole thing. I lost my relationships with many friends and loved ones during this time, and it's been very difficult reacclimating to normal life, so I hope you guys can understand.