Eli’s Epic.

I don't remember much about my childhood. Starting in my teenaged years, I was perpetually instructed to "live in the moment." I heeded this advice quite strongly, enough at least that a major portion of my past has simply vanished into the disarray that is my present. I'd love to be able to revisit my youth, to picture my parents happy with their son, to recall my first friends, to revel in the innocence that has so harshly been drained from my world. Alas, I am eluded by any experience of mine before my 14th birthday. While much else about my life at that time is muddied along with the rest of it, I remember that day quite vividly. Karaoke. Not real karaoke, even, more like a singalong of all my favorite songs. My dear mother tried her best, but money was never good, and I hadn't done much to be proud of so she certainly wasn't going to break the bank. It was incredible, though. My friends from school were all there, watching, as I belted Tom Petty lyrics in...

I can't fucking do this anymore. It's simply too much. I just can't fucking do it. Everyday, I go out and I act as if everything I do is normal. The fuck? Nothing I do is remotely normal. I should be going out to beg people for help, to ask for their forgiveness, to reckon with person I've become. Every single fucking day my sincere belief that I am the antichrist grows. There's no other explanation. The devil doesn't make himself known. He hides. He gets people on his side, slowly corrupting them until they've sunk all the way down to his fiery domain. I can hardly look at myself. How am I any different? Every action I take, I slowly take society down with me. The intangible fabric that has sustained our globalized planet is being frayed, and I am driving its destruction. I am what's wrong with the world. Not the idiots, not the bigots, not the goddamn politicians. None of them could exist without me. I am evil personified—the snake in our waning garden...

I have something to admit to you all. Before I say it, be warned that it is a confession to one of the most heinous acts I have ever taken part in. While I know that it is likely unavoidable, I ask that you all make your best efforts to refrain from judgment, or at the very least acknowledge my commitment to find repentance. Alas, the time has come. In 2014, I believed that “Happy” deserved to win the Oscar for best original song. I was wrong. Yes, Pharrell is an icon, and Despicable Me 2  is one of my favorite movies ever, but “Let It Go” is simply the better song. Honestly, I don’t even have too much more to say. Society has made my point for me. 

It may be the most fun website on the entire internet. I legitimately derive so much joy from playing on Infinite Craft, I think it might be unhealthy. I don't even think I could properly describe the site on here, so you all should simply  try for yourself . It's frankly too much fun. It's mind-numbing, sure, but there's no where else in the world where I could possibly have generated "Shrine of the Frog," and for that I am deeply indebted to this website. I mean, what can you tell me about the "Abominable Slimocracy?" Seriously, I cannot stop. Somewhat hoping I lose interest in this soon, because a lingering Infinite Craft phase could yield seriously negative effects on my productivity. Anyways, shoutout Sydney for putting me on, this is certainly something that I will carry with me (at least in memory) for a long time. 

While this photo was taken quite recently, making this more an analysis than an exploration, I still find it worth taking a deeper dive into. I feel like there are quite a few things to say about this photo, and I believe the implications (or at least my inferences) of the events it depicts are worth sharing. Thus, without further ado, I present: The Extreme Walking home through the Auckland Domain other day, I saw something that left me absolutely bewildered. As I approached the staircase captured in the photo, I bore witness to something incredible, something exciting, something (as the photo's title states) extreme: a man was riding his bicycle down the aforementioned staircase. Now, this subject may be put up for debate, but personally, I would go so far as to say that this staircase is of epic proportions. And to see a man descend down such an epic flight of stairs in such a nonchalant, yet awesome, manner was something that struck a previously untouched chord with me. I tend ...

Today I went back to the classics. I went to the Biskit Cafe for an early-afternoon bagel, and ordered the Best Ugly Salmon Bagel. This bagel features " Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese, Red Onion, Black Olives, Feta Cheese, Dill or Basil leaves, Capers & Best Ugly Sesame Bagel." While I'm not typically too keen to this many toppings, I pushed myself to eat this bagel without any exclusion. While I can't say that I was terribly surprised (I love bagels, and there wasn't anything to dislike), I found this bagel inarguably scrumptious. The salmon certainly dominated the dish, which is exactly what I look for in a salmon-topped bagel. In fact, what I think this bagel did best was its ratios. The cream cheese came in a perfect quantity. Personally, I am a huge supporter of light cream cheese spreads. It was great to not be taking mouthfuls of cream cheese with each bite, but rather to consume equally sized portions of bagel/cream cheese and salmon.  While I'm not a...

Buried deep in the Amazon, there lies a treasure, the scope of which no one person could ever comprehend. It possesses power unbeknownst to many, if not all. Though some may say that a treasure such as this presents only problems unto the world, I disagree. I believe this treasure could truly be the solution to all the world's problems. I yearn for this treasure. I seek out means of attaining it everywhere I go. I'm not sure if I, nor anyone else, will every find the treasure, but I can certainly pray for a day when it is discovered. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking, of course, about the  1500 Live Ladybugs  available on Amazon. I truly don't think a greater joy could be released into the world than to watch someone opening a bag of 1500 live ladybugs. Surely, if there's a utopia, this product is at the center of it. Ladybugs are one of the prettiest insects, they're red or orange or yellow and have black spots. How much cooler could you want a...