Eli’s Epic.

I have something to admit to you all. Before I say it, be warned that it is a confession to one of the most heinous acts I have ever taken part in. While I know that it is likely unavoidable, I ask that you all make your best efforts to refrain from judgment, or at the very least acknowledge my commitment to find repentance. Alas, the time has come. In 2014, I believed that “Happy” deserved to win the Oscar for best original song. I was wrong. Yes, Pharrell is an icon, and Despicable Me 2  is one of my favorite movies ever, but “Let It Go” is simply the better song. Honestly, I don’t even have too much more to say. Society has made my point for me. 

It may be the most fun website on the entire internet. I legitimately derive so much joy from playing on Infinite Craft, I think it might be unhealthy. I don't even think I could properly describe the site on here, so you all should simply  try for yourself . It's frankly too much fun. It's mind-numbing, sure, but there's no where else in the world where I could possibly have generated "Shrine of the Frog," and for that I am deeply indebted to this website. I mean, what can you tell me about the "Abominable Slimocracy?" Seriously, I cannot stop. Somewhat hoping I lose interest in this soon, because a lingering Infinite Craft phase could yield seriously negative effects on my productivity. Anyways, shoutout Sydney for putting me on, this is certainly something that I will carry with me (at least in memory) for a long time. 

While this photo was taken quite recently, making this more an analysis than an exploration, I still find it worth taking a deeper dive into. I feel like there are quite a few things to say about this photo, and I believe the implications (or at least my inferences) of the events it depicts are worth sharing. Thus, without further ado, I present: The Extreme Walking home through the Auckland Domain other day, I saw something that left me absolutely bewildered. As I approached the staircase captured in the photo, I bore witness to something incredible, something exciting, something (as the photo's title states) extreme: a man was riding his bicycle down the aforementioned staircase. Now, this subject may be put up for debate, but personally, I would go so far as to say that this staircase is of epic proportions. And to see a man descend down such an epic flight of stairs in such a nonchalant, yet awesome, manner was something that struck a previously untouched chord with me. I tend ...

Today I went back to the classics. I went to the Biskit Cafe for an early-afternoon bagel, and ordered the Best Ugly Salmon Bagel. This bagel features " Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese, Red Onion, Black Olives, Feta Cheese, Dill or Basil leaves, Capers & Best Ugly Sesame Bagel." While I'm not typically too keen to this many toppings, I pushed myself to eat this bagel without any exclusion. While I can't say that I was terribly surprised (I love bagels, and there wasn't anything to dislike), I found this bagel inarguably scrumptious. The salmon certainly dominated the dish, which is exactly what I look for in a salmon-topped bagel. In fact, what I think this bagel did best was its ratios. The cream cheese came in a perfect quantity. Personally, I am a huge supporter of light cream cheese spreads. It was great to not be taking mouthfuls of cream cheese with each bite, but rather to consume equally sized portions of bagel/cream cheese and salmon.  While I'm not a...

Buried deep in the Amazon, there lies a treasure, the scope of which no one person could ever comprehend. It possesses power unbeknownst to many, if not all. Though some may say that a treasure such as this presents only problems unto the world, I disagree. I believe this treasure could truly be the solution to all the world's problems. I yearn for this treasure. I seek out means of attaining it everywhere I go. I'm not sure if I, nor anyone else, will every find the treasure, but I can certainly pray for a day when it is discovered. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking, of course, about the  1500 Live Ladybugs  available on Amazon. I truly don't think a greater joy could be released into the world than to watch someone opening a bag of 1500 live ladybugs. Surely, if there's a utopia, this product is at the center of it. Ladybugs are one of the prettiest insects, they're red or orange or yellow and have black spots. How much cooler could you want a...

Not really enough negativity in my life right now, so here's a list of bad things that could happen to me: robbed fall down stairs scorned harshly condemned to life of pain  pranked on live television sworn into office (my fly is down, everyone laughs) get stuck on barbed wire get caught lying (pants set on fire) bad dreams (nightmares, even) moldy bread stirred, not shaken (Bond would not approve) called out for acting goofy past catches up to me a 2012 -type scenario end of the Mayan calendar (another 2012-type scenario) inflation causes a picture to be worth 10000 words (is it even worth speaking anymore) soreness wrath of the gods things that seemed farfetched are suddenly not so (in a bad way) haunted no anger, just disappointment concepts materialize stimulus check doesn't cash spotify crash oxford comma is now illegal banished sent to the trolley problem (have to make decisions) bored ominous music follows me around unbreakable time-loop sent to the trolley problem (on t...

On a damp April morning in the year 1348, a small French boy by the name of Jean (no recorded last name) woke up feeling very pissed off. The plague was currently putting all of Europe in shambles, and Jean's meager village was no exception. Jean missed his parents, who had both tragically succumbed to the disease, as had his closest friend, Pierre. Jean's stomach rumbled. Food was scarce, and though he was typically able to find a generous soul to donate him some bread for each meal, it was often stale or moldy, and Jean had had enough. Jean had heard tales of the king feasting on the finest meats in the land, and Jean wanted in. Though he was young, he had experienced enough in his short life to know that living in a manner such has his was undignified, and, in his eyes, not worth it. His mind was made up: he would journey to see the king, and he would demand a seat at the royal table, where he could partake in the royal feasting. To Jean, any sort of rejection the king could...