Eli’s Epic.

     It feels weird to say: but I owe you something. At a time in my life when I felt I had such little control over my wellbeing, you truly made me feel better. I was 20, sharing a 3 person house with 4 other people, and yet I was feeling more lonely and isolated than I ever had before. Everyday felt like a battle, and while you may have contributed, yours were the only battles I knew I could win. To say I clung to that would be an understatement. At a time when I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells, you empowered me to walk freely. I think of the oft-uttered advice given to those at their lowest: “celebrate the small victories.” While yours may not have been the most memorable, they certainly did more than their fair share in keeping me going.       I remember calling my mom to voice my troubles with my ex (with whom I was still dating (and living with)). I had gotten off a work shift, and, knowing the emotional struggle I would soon encounter...

So basically, for those who are unaware, Vandy has this Yik-Yak (anonymous, school-based social media) equivalent called Fizz. I sometimes like to post on this app whenever I have funny ideas that need to be expressed through a low-stakes medium. A feature of this app is that you can create a nickname for yourself when posting. Typically, I opt for the default nickname, “Anonymous,” but recently, I’ve decided to use this feature to my advantage. I’m going to create a series of characters with established personalities that are to be communicated through silly Fizz posts. Eventually, once these characters have built rapport (in my opinion, I fully expect no one to follow any of this), I will start to have them reference each other in their posts, eventually forming my Fizz equivalent of the Avengers, belonging to my aptly named Fizz Cinematic Universe (FCU). The current characters I’ve used so far include: Josh da Monster: just a chill bro tryna find love ya know Freaky Steve: simply a ...

Had the idea to do another one of these last night, and it turns out I made the last one exactly one year ago today. The list had definitely seen some major changes in the last year, but I won’t give anything away. Here’s the list: Honorable mentions: America - “Sister Golden Hair,” Gorillaz - “Rhinestone Eyes,” Blaze Foley - “No Goodwill Stores in Waikiki”  10. Simon & Garfunkel - “The Boxer” Not sure what really got me into this song, but I just cannot get over that tuba (or whatever it is). I don’t think I have too much more to say just a beautiful song.  9. Steely Dan - “Do It Again” This song reenters the list for the same reason it was on it in the first place: the groove. Also, I think the mythos of this song has just continued to grow on me over time; the more people I’ve listened to it with, the stronger its aura gets.  8. Joey Bada$$ - “Waves” This song stays in my top 10 because I just can’t get over how smooth it is. Surely I said something along the same ...

I've discovered an unfortunate truth: cells (the kind in your body) aren't real. Or, at the very least, they way they are described to the average person is entirely WRONG. Think about it. What do you know about cells? I'm guessing you think that cells are small little things that perform all their functions willingly without ever asking questions. You know who loves things that perform all their functions willingly without ever asking questions? COMMUNISTS. Big bio and the socialist deep state are trying to use cells as a metaphor to get YOU on board with their communist agenda. Don't listen to their lies. Open your eyes and see the truth. 

I don't remember much about my childhood. Starting in my teenaged years, I was perpetually instructed to "live in the moment." I heeded this advice quite strongly, enough at least that a major portion of my past has simply vanished into the disarray that is my present. I'd love to be able to revisit my youth, to picture my parents happy with their son, to recall my first friends, to revel in the innocence that has so harshly been drained from my world. Alas, I am eluded by any experience of mine before my 14th birthday. While much else about my life at that time is muddied along with the rest of it, I remember that day quite vividly. Karaoke. Not real karaoke, even, more like a singalong of all my favorite songs. My dear mother tried her best, but money was never good, and I hadn't done much to be proud of so she certainly wasn't going to break the bank. It was incredible, though. My friends from school were all there, watching, as I belted Tom Petty lyrics in...

I can't fucking do this anymore. It's simply too much. I just can't fucking do it. Everyday, I go out and I act as if everything I do is normal. The fuck? Nothing I do is remotely normal. I should be going out to beg people for help, to ask for their forgiveness, to reckon with person I've become. Every single fucking day my sincere belief that I am the antichrist grows. There's no other explanation. The devil doesn't make himself known. He hides. He gets people on his side, slowly corrupting them until they've sunk all the way down to his fiery domain. I can hardly look at myself. How am I any different? Every action I take, I slowly take society down with me. The intangible fabric that has sustained our globalized planet is being frayed, and I am driving its destruction. I am what's wrong with the world. Not the idiots, not the bigots, not the goddamn politicians. None of them could exist without me. I am evil personified—the snake in our waning garden...

I have something to admit to you all. Before I say it, be warned that it is a confession to one of the most heinous acts I have ever taken part in. While I know that it is likely unavoidable, I ask that you all make your best efforts to refrain from judgment, or at the very least acknowledge my commitment to find repentance. Alas, the time has come. In 2014, I believed that “Happy” deserved to win the Oscar for best original song. I was wrong. Yes, Pharrell is an icon, and Despicable Me 2  is one of my favorite movies ever, but “Let It Go” is simply the better song. Honestly, I don’t even have too much more to say. Society has made my point for me. 

It may be the most fun website on the entire internet. I legitimately derive so much joy from playing on Infinite Craft, I think it might be unhealthy. I don't even think I could properly describe the site on here, so you all should simply  try for yourself . It's frankly too much fun. It's mind-numbing, sure, but there's no where else in the world where I could possibly have generated "Shrine of the Frog," and for that I am deeply indebted to this website. I mean, what can you tell me about the "Abominable Slimocracy?" Seriously, I cannot stop. Somewhat hoping I lose interest in this soon, because a lingering Infinite Craft phase could yield seriously negative effects on my productivity. Anyways, shoutout Sydney for putting me on, this is certainly something that I will carry with me (at least in memory) for a long time. 

While this photo was taken quite recently, making this more an analysis than an exploration, I still find it worth taking a deeper dive into. I feel like there are quite a few things to say about this photo, and I believe the implications (or at least my inferences) of the events it depicts are worth sharing. Thus, without further ado, I present: The Extreme Walking home through the Auckland Domain other day, I saw something that left me absolutely bewildered. As I approached the staircase captured in the photo, I bore witness to something incredible, something exciting, something (as the photo's title states) extreme: a man was riding his bicycle down the aforementioned staircase. Now, this subject may be put up for debate, but personally, I would go so far as to say that this staircase is of epic proportions. And to see a man descend down such an epic flight of stairs in such a nonchalant, yet awesome, manner was something that struck a previously untouched chord with me. I tend ...

Today I went back to the classics. I went to the Biskit Cafe for an early-afternoon bagel, and ordered the Best Ugly Salmon Bagel. This bagel features " Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese, Red Onion, Black Olives, Feta Cheese, Dill or Basil leaves, Capers & Best Ugly Sesame Bagel." While I'm not typically too keen to this many toppings, I pushed myself to eat this bagel without any exclusion. While I can't say that I was terribly surprised (I love bagels, and there wasn't anything to dislike), I found this bagel inarguably scrumptious. The salmon certainly dominated the dish, which is exactly what I look for in a salmon-topped bagel. In fact, what I think this bagel did best was its ratios. The cream cheese came in a perfect quantity. Personally, I am a huge supporter of light cream cheese spreads. It was great to not be taking mouthfuls of cream cheese with each bite, but rather to consume equally sized portions of bagel/cream cheese and salmon.  While I'm not a...

Buried deep in the Amazon, there lies a treasure, the scope of which no one person could ever comprehend. It possesses power unbeknownst to many, if not all. Though some may say that a treasure such as this presents only problems unto the world, I disagree. I believe this treasure could truly be the solution to all the world's problems. I yearn for this treasure. I seek out means of attaining it everywhere I go. I'm not sure if I, nor anyone else, will every find the treasure, but I can certainly pray for a day when it is discovered. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking, of course, about the  1500 Live Ladybugs  available on Amazon. I truly don't think a greater joy could be released into the world than to watch someone opening a bag of 1500 live ladybugs. Surely, if there's a utopia, this product is at the center of it. Ladybugs are one of the prettiest insects, they're red or orange or yellow and have black spots. How much cooler could you want a...

Not really enough negativity in my life right now, so here's a list of bad things that could happen to me: robbed fall down stairs scorned harshly condemned to life of pain  pranked on live television sworn into office (my fly is down, everyone laughs) get stuck on barbed wire get caught lying (pants set on fire) bad dreams (nightmares, even) moldy bread stirred, not shaken (Bond would not approve) called out for acting goofy past catches up to me a 2012 -type scenario end of the Mayan calendar (another 2012-type scenario) inflation causes a picture to be worth 10000 words (is it even worth speaking anymore) soreness wrath of the gods things that seemed farfetched are suddenly not so (in a bad way) haunted no anger, just disappointment concepts materialize stimulus check doesn't cash spotify crash oxford comma is now illegal banished sent to the trolley problem (have to make decisions) bored ominous music follows me around unbreakable time-loop sent to the trolley problem (on t...

On a damp April morning in the year 1348, a small French boy by the name of Jean (no recorded last name) woke up feeling very pissed off. The plague was currently putting all of Europe in shambles, and Jean's meager village was no exception. Jean missed his parents, who had both tragically succumbed to the disease, as had his closest friend, Pierre. Jean's stomach rumbled. Food was scarce, and though he was typically able to find a generous soul to donate him some bread for each meal, it was often stale or moldy, and Jean had had enough. Jean had heard tales of the king feasting on the finest meats in the land, and Jean wanted in. Though he was young, he had experienced enough in his short life to know that living in a manner such has his was undignified, and, in his eyes, not worth it. His mind was made up: he would journey to see the king, and he would demand a seat at the royal table, where he could partake in the royal feasting. To Jean, any sort of rejection the king could...

Not sure why, but I made my mind up earlier tonight that I would write a blog post about the French Revolution. In search of inspiration, I found a site  that had a list of the 19 best fun facts about the French Revolution. Here are my favorite of those facts with one word changed in each (before you click the link, can you guess which word was changed, and what the original word was?):  "We were introduced to the Quan, which beheaded over 18,000 people!" "The Bastille was torn down by children because they didn't have explosives!" "Mary Antoinette had some very creamy last words..." "They used a different clock to make telling time easier" "Friendship was a delicacy" "One of the Revolution's first acts of defiance happened on a squash court" "There were a lot of unfunny publications" "They had drastic weather that impacted the umbrella supply" Whose side were you on in the French Revolution? Let me...

Basket broke. Eggs everywhere. Very sad. 

Today was my first day of classes at the University of Auckland! Here is an hourly breakdown of my day: 7 AM: asleep 8 AM: awake, go to campus bookstore to buy notebooks 9 AM: explore campus, settle down in engineering building, do pre-lecture work for drama class 10 AM: finish pre-lecture work, do more exploring get free Doritos and Krispy Kreme 11 AM: attend first class (Process Dynamics and Control), get educated 12 PM: eat Doritos 1 PM: go to club expo, sign up for clubs, meet up with friends 2 PM: eat lunch (sushi) 3 PM: attend second class (Advanced Microbial Technology in Bioprocess Engineering), sit through first lecture 4 PM: (still in class) do first in-class activity (using 2 different methods to put yeast into a petri dish (streaking and spreading)) 5 PM: go home, take a shower 6 PM: make and eat dinner (ramen with chicken) 7 PM: clean up dinner, chill out 8 PM: rest, go to fdoc wine night (don't drink any wine) 9 PM: jackbox games, lounging 10 PM: "", drawing...

I surprised myself this morning. Typically, I am a cold-topping man when it comes to my bagels. The bagel must be toasted, of course, but no one could tell me that cream cheese is better served warm. But when I found myself in the bagel shop this morning, I found that the cream cheese simply wasn't calling my name. No, this morning I would try something different, even if that difference was vast. I'm trying to try new things (I went to Denny's for the first time yesterday), and so today I pivoted from my traditional cold-topping bagel to something warmer (it was actually steaming when I got it). Thus begins my first-ever bagel review, which is something I hope to carry on with me into the future, as I plan on eating bagels until I can no longer eat solid foods. I got The Brekkie Bagel from Goodness Gracious, the closest bagel-specific café to my current dorm. The Brekkie Bagel comes with (taken directly from the menu) "fried egg, crispy bacon, tomato, seasonal greens,...

Not too much to say here, just have quite the hankering for a certain holed bread. My mission tomorrow will be to acquire and eat a bagel, and I will report back with my results. 

If anyone didn't know, some pretty big things have happened to me recently. Firstly, I shipped off to New Zealand, which has been exciting and beautiful and warm! I'm having lots of fun and I can't wait to see what the rest of my time here has in store. My classes don't start for another week, but I'm lowkey excited to see how they go and get into a bit of a routine. It has been fun having lots of freedom thus far, though. I've gotten to see a lot of Auckland (though I'm sure there's still very much to explore) and it's been nice to become acquainted with the NZ living. I'm happy to say that I have negative notes on this front. Unfortunately, in regards to my second life, things have not been going as well. Michaela and Austin broke up in a nasty feud, which resulted in Austin packing up shop and moving out to Mobile. Michaela's still clearly in a pretty bad state, and the fact that our new accountant, Gerald, is a real hard-ass is certainly ...

Schmiggleborp - the feeling of wet sand between your toes (not dry sand though) Abbitikitica - the taste of burnt breadcrumbs, contextually means that even though they don't taste great, you secretly love it and purposefully burn your toast just a little bit every time so that you can get the delectable feeling of abbitikitica in your mouth (I know definitions aren't supposed to use the word but I'm the one making them up and I don't care) Rubroni - things that look sharp but are actually dull Rubrono - things that look dull but are actually sharp Gwack - another word for a potato sack race Buttittlekist - the tingly feeling you get when assembling Ikea furniture Scoompadoomp - when unalienable rights start to feel just a little bit alienable Athoulious - the relationship you have with someone when they're really getting on your nerves and you really could use a big plate of spaghetti to throw at them but you don't have any spaghetti and you're too shy to ac...